I’ve been thinking a lot about KINDNESS lately and I think the first time I really understood self-compassion was listening to Kristin Neff as I filmed her telling me her greatest epiphany. Self-compassion is about being KIND to yourself. Being your own best friend. It was a concept I never understood until that moment. It was the way she described it that gave me my own epiphany.
I hadn’t understood when people told me to “parent myself”—love and act like a mother or father to myself—I just never could really get that. But I understood being a friend. How I acted with and talked to my friends and how they spoke and supported me—I totally got that. I guess another way to put this is to imagine what your best friend would say to you when you’re berating and beating yourself up about something. This was revelatory to me and over the years has made a huge impact as I’ve been able to put it into practice. It’s hard (for me, at least) but it’s a gradual muscle that builds with practice.
Whenever I start to spin out about how dumb, idiotic, lazy, clueless, fat, ugly, old or whatever other lovely negative adjective I am beating myself up about at the moment, I try to pause and ask myself, “What would (fill in blank with your best friend IRL’s name) say to me right now? Would she tell me, Yes, you’re a complete idiot and loser and should stay up all night worrying?” Usually not. Usually it’s something much calmer and wiser and loving. Sometimes she will gently tell me, “Maybe you could have and can and will do better but it’s not as bad and ugly as you’re making it.” Sometimes, it’s more like, “That’s not true and you know it. Why don’t you find out more before losing any more sleep.” I calm down. I quit berating myself so that I can sleep/workout/start again/apologize whatever I need to do. So I can listen.
If you aren’t already practicing self-compassion, try to start asking yourself when you spin out about something what your best friend would say to you right now. See what happens. See what happens when you consciously question your thoughts when they’re in a loop about what a terrible person/loser/ugly you are and imagine him or her responding to those thoughts.
I can attest—it literally can make all the difference. Kindness and compassion have started showing up all over my life—in all my relationships, both professional and personal–and it has lowered my stress astronomically. It’s amazing how much stress and abuse we heap on ourselves without any help from anyone else. When you’re constantly being kind to yourself, you can’t help but be kinder and more compassionate toward others. And in return, more kindness and compassion is drawn to you. It’s a beautiful cycle.
My Epiphany:
If you want kindness and compassion as constant qualities in your life, it has to start with you. Make it your priority. Your focus. Your practice.
To read more about Kirstin and the interview that sparked this epiphany for me, go here. Her filmed interview is below and for any Epiphany Quote memes by artist Kristiana Gomez, go grab and download any of them HERE.
